I was angry...

and I was frustrated.


I was quite young when I first discovered this maddening rage that I have...


made some wrong choices of words too...and that lifestyle changed my life...


I had never known what will happen in the future then.


I thought it will be better to be like that, out of so many different personalities to have I chose this...

From young I never really make friends because I was told not to go to other people's homes, not to borrow anything from anyone. Basically, don't give people a chance to make you owe them a "favor".

so I because a loner. and I liked it. I don't know why but I like it. But there's this frustration and anger that tags together with it.

over the years I have learnt to live with it, thinking that it's nothing wrong, just making my presence felt.I strive for people's attention all the time, now that I think of it..doing crazy things, saying crazy stuff


then came 1 day I decided to control myself for a change...but my fustrations didn't let it. so I decided that whenever I was to be angry I will hold it in and not allow it to explode externally. The result is hyperventilation. First time it occurred it was painful. and it was like a few years since I really felt pain. I couldn't move. I was breathing but it seems that nothing is flowing into my lungs. took quite a while to get out of it but it took a toll on my entire body's muscles. I had body aches for like 3 days...


then I tried to be more optimistic. I tried to interact with other people and I got a better results. I don't feel angry all the time because I started to accept people acting the way they are and there's nothing you can do about it. but whenever I felt anger, it was as bad as ever, just that the control was greater over it. and with the anger, compulsive thoughts come into my mind... different scenarios of how will the situation turn out runs through my mind and my compulsion will try to choose 1 of them for me to act it out. most of them are bad. really bad. sometimes I see stuff like I took the offender's head and slam him face first into the ground. I don't think I'm capable of doing it but with those thoughts tempting me, I might attempt at it.

I don't know why I have such compulsive thoughts. I don't like them and I want to get rid of them. I don't like to be violent, and I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

it time for you to go. and when you go, take your friends with you.